Day 7: You Now

Over the last couple of months a few of those closest to me have remarked how well I seem to be doing handling life without Julia. This summer I could tell that my emotions were more stable and predictable day-to-day. I would still be sad but the overwhelming sadness was kept at bay. I could talk about Julia without as many tears. Then my grandmother died at the end of the summer. Since then I have noticed the numbness of fresh grief on most days. This grief is certainly for my dear grandmother but it also is for my daughter. Two great losses in less than two years. I struggle with not wanting to feel overwhelming sadness but also not wanting the numbness. This is also the time of year where my thoughts drift to first learning of Julia's heart condition and other anomalies while pregnant. I remember the first Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment where my doctor said (in a horribly insensitive way) that Julia may not make it. I then started bed rest which gave me an abundance of  time to think and pray and worry (justifiably). Fall seems to bring back the feelings of despair and helplessness that I experienced before (and after) Julia was born.  And the approaching holidays bring their own angst. Julia was born a few days after Thanksgiving in 2010 and she passed away 9 days before Christmas in 2011.  I struggle to celebrate the holidays for my other kids and to remember Julia's birthday and to deal with grief and the anniversary of her diagnosis and her passing.  Being thankful and feeling deprived at the same time. So, my feelings at this point in my journey are much like this post, a little all over the place. Better then sadder then numb then better and so on and so on. 

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief Photography Challenge in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. To learn more please visit http://carlymarieprojectheal.com.