Illuminate Week 2

Perhaps they are not stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
pours through
and shines down upon us
to let us know they are happy.
--Eskimo Proverb

The darkness I have experienced with Julia's diagnosis and her passing has always been infiltrated with light. I think of it as a clear night sky. The darkness is there, certainly, but it cannot erase the brilliant light of a million stars. Julia's trisomy 18 diagnosis after birth and the constant not-knowing-how-many-days-we-would-have-together were the heavy darkness those first months. The stars were her hanging on and living and growing and responding. The stars were her smiles. The stars were our memories. The stars were her siblings who adored her. The stars were a new pregnancy while she was still with us. I - and we - were constantly trying to keep the darkness at bay by focusing on the stars. The darkness threatened to take over when she left us suddenly and unexpectedly. But I had to focus on the 382 days -- stars -- she gave us. I had to focus on the giant star of my rainbow baby due 5 months later. I was surrounded by the stars that are my oldest daughter and son and my husband and the friends and community brought to me by Julia. So, yes, the darkness has surrounded me. But not without the stars.

For the photography assignment this week, I chose my bird's nest necklace as my focal point. Each pearl represents one of my children. I love it. It was given to me by two dear friends who shared closely in Julia's life as well as in my life before and after Julia. I love to think of them as well when I wear it.

Soft overhead light, no flash

As I took each picture, I thought about how without enough light the focus can be off or blurry. That reminded me that when the darkness of grief starts to close in that I need to find another way to let in light so as to not lose my own focus. There must be a balance. It may take many many tries, but I will keep searching.

Window light

Overhead light, no flash

Backlit by window, no flash

Morning light outdoors

With flash

In this week's Illuminate class, the journal and photo assignment focused on light and dark and how we think about those concepts at this point in our journey. For our photos, we were to use different types and amounts of light to see how that changes our perspective.



















































































































*This post was originally created as an assignment for the Illuminate online photography course. For my week one post, click here.