Day 7: You Now

Over the last couple of months a few of those closest to me have remarked how well I seem to be doing handling life without Julia. This summer I could tell that my emotions were more stable and predictable day-to-day. I would still be sad but the overwhelming sadness was kept at bay. I could talk about Julia without as many tears. Then my grandmother died at the end of the summer. Since then I have noticed the numbness of fresh grief on most days. This grief is certainly for my dear grandmother but it also is for my daughter. Two great losses in less than two years. I struggle with not wanting to feel overwhelming sadness but also not wanting the numbness. This is also the time of year where my thoughts drift to first learning of Julia's heart condition and other anomalies while pregnant. I remember the first Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment where my doctor said (in a horribly insensitive way) that Julia may not make it. I then started bed rest which gave me an abundance of  time to think and pray and worry (justifiably). Fall seems to bring back the feelings of despair and helplessness that I experienced before (and after) Julia was born.  And the approaching holidays bring their own angst. Julia was born a few days after Thanksgiving in 2010 and she passed away 9 days before Christmas in 2011.  I struggle to celebrate the holidays for my other kids and to remember Julia's birthday and to deal with grief and the anniversary of her diagnosis and her passing.  Being thankful and feeling deprived at the same time. So, my feelings at this point in my journey are much like this post, a little all over the place. Better then sadder then numb then better and so on and so on. 

This post is part of Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief Photography Challenge in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. To learn more please visit http://carlymarieprojectheal.com. 

With Gran

The day that I dreaded most since I was a child arrived a few weeks ago. My beloved Gran passed away just 12 days shy of her 80th birthday. It was expected yet still a shock. I have learned that one can never be prepared to say goodbye to someone so dear. My view of death has shifted in the last three years. Although I feel the loss of Granny very deeply and will for years to come, I am also able to view her full life and celebrate the blessing of such a long life. She was married to my Papa for 62(!) years. She was surrounded and loved by her three children. She was beloved by her 6 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren. She was the center, the anchor, the rock of our family. She drew us together even as the miles separated us. She was strong. She was tough. She was fierce. She had a way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world to her. I miss her terribly.

I am thankful to have had her in my life for so long. I am thankful to have had a wonderful relationship with her and to have many wonderful memories as a child and as an adult. I am most thankful that she met all four of my children. Here she is with me as a baby and with each of my littles. 

Throughout these difficult weeks, my most comforting thought is that she is with Julia. My Gran, who loved to talk about and show photos of her grandkids and great-grandkids to anyone and everyone, has one of her precious great-granddaughters with her. This photo is how I like to think of them now, together again. 

I love and miss them both so much. 

Weeks 11 and 12

Cohen's weeks number 11 and 12 were spent visiting family in Alabama. Cohen visited his second beach, this time at St. Andrews State Park in Panama City, Florida. He even took his first boat ride at the beach on his Poppa's boat. We also visited the lake for a weekend. Cohen enjoyed relaxing at Nana's lake house while the big kids tried out the jet ski, tube, and knee board with Uncle Press. We attended the wedding of my cousin, Mollie, and Cohen was able to meet lots of new old friends.
We spent many days playing with the cousins and visiting grandparents and great-grandparents. We had lots of fun and are now glad to be home!

Week 10

Cohen had his 2 month pediatrician visit and vaccines this week. He weighed 12 lbs 4 oz and measured 23 1/4 inches long! Cohen also flew in an airplane for the first time (after missing his originally scheduled flight the same morning, but that's another story...). He behaved beautifully on the flight! He is also enjoying his first visit to Alabama to visit family. He met Great-Granny and Great- Papa at the farm and charmed them with his smiles and coos!